Bjorn the Great's Journal

Bear with me, it's another update

2007-03-21T22:06:29Z

Lindsay recently told me that we will be moving to a house where the walls are made entirely of peanut butter. This pleases me to no end. Firstly, the sheer abundance of peanut butter will abate the frequent hunger pangs I experience, for which my negligent, ditzy caretaker is directly responsible. If she hadn't become a jet setter, maybe I wouldn't have lost two pounds of fluff. Despite the perks of being a first class bear who accompanies her on her trips, my stomach is too sensitive to eat airline food. Furthermore, the constant barrage of handling and cooing from flight attendants and random travelers leaves me exhausted, fatigued, and unable to lift food to my mouth. I'm losing my bearish figure as we speak! Oh curse me for being the cutest thing on the face of this planet. *sigh* The burdens I bear for this world...

Secondly, when I am hungry, I won't have to walk to the kitchen; instead I can just roll out of bed and lick the walls. I like this breakfast/second breakfast/lunch/dinner/midnight snack in bed concept. More people should do this the world over. Thirdly, close peanut butter proximity (or PBP as it shall be known from here on out) will also come in handy when Nike decides to use me as a chew toy. When she begins acting rambunctious, I shall pick her up and stick her to the wall. That'll teach her to disrupt my sleep. It might also teach her to that the glorious substance tastes much better than my right thigh.

Bjorn on the Road

2006-09-11T05:30:52Z

Lindsay brought me to Pacifica. At first I wasn't thrilled about traveling without a supply of peanut butter, but then, as she was carting me to her room, outside I noticed an aqueous habitat you humannoids call "pool". This can only mean one thing:

POOOOOLLLL PARTY!

(And maybe ice fishing, if it's cold enough.)

Something to chew on

2006-06-07T23:04:56Z

It's been a while since I last graced livejournal with my delightful presence. Life for Bjorn is pretty good. When Lindsay isn't around, Mike lets me use her pillow as a bed. (Although I shed, our fur is practically the same color, so I do believe Lindsay is under the impression that the hair on the pillow is hers.) My Jedi powers have been improving, somewhat; I am not at the point where I can get the humanoids to bring me a case of peanut butter from Costco. But I will have that ability...one day.

A while back the IRS contacted Mike about his tax return—something about it being a little odd that a composer could receive a ten million dollar refund check. He just glared at me while he was on the phone attempting to talk his way out of having to appear in court. I was going to use the money for a good cause, I swear! (Every bear needs his own yacht and a small island in the Bahamas.) Mike then handed the phone to me, and I promptly told the IRS that their inquiry was unnecessary, and should they proceed any further, I would eat them with my daily helping of sardines. I have not heard from them since. Unfortunately, because of this little "snafu", my CPA license has been revoked. And seeing as how there aren't any panda herding jobs for the summer, I have no choice but to embark on a new career path: I shall become a published author of several fine cookbooks. I know the epicurean in you will be very eager to purchase them all.

The Graduate

2006-05-10T03:53:53Z

This weekend I obtained my bachelors in fish catching from the University of Helsinki. Now, theinimitable_l graduated too, but it is unlikely that her art history skills will come in handy, should we ever get lost in the woods. Therefore, until it is proven otherwise, I hereby declare my degree to have the most significance in the real world.

Beauty sleep is a bear's best friend

2006-04-17T07:38:30Z

I must have two of the lamest parents in the entire universe. So last night, while I was trying to get at least eighteen hours of sleep, Mike told Lindsay a very scary story about the Zombie Jesus. She immediately hid underneath the covers and screeched; I could only roll my eyes. So utterly immature! It's this type of behavior that makes me want my own room. Ok, so they're not all that bad. I mean, after all, they did dress me up in a coat and take me on a secret boba mission. Yours truly got to guard Untitled Camry, and the humanoids went in search of this delicious spicy substance known as "chai".

We got to watch the end of the The Muppet Show: Season One this weekend. Did you know that Fozzie the Bear is my one true hero? He is! I want to be just like him, except keep my fur white. Lindsay and Mike have promised me they'll let me attend Muppet Camp this summer, but I won't believe them till I see the camp papers signed. (These are the people who said they'd let me take Cantonese lessons, but accidentally "forgot" to send the tuition to my tutor. Grawr!)

Oh, and about the panda herding job, I didn't get it. I didn't know polar bears needed passports too. Still, there are plenty o' pandas at the San Diego Zoo! Ok, it's time for me to e-file Mike's taxes.

I've been called into action

2006-04-12T03:23:00Z

China just rang: They need someone to round up a few of their pandas. (They've become a rowdy bunch since entering kindergarten.) It's a tough job, but someone has to be a panda herder. I'll be back in five days. And no, Lindsay, you can't come with me.

B for Bjorn

2006-04-10T04:05:00Z

Mike and Lindsay abandoned me again so they could go see V for Vendetta late this afternoon. Those unselfish humanoids! They've since returned, and have quickly settled into their typical Sunday night couch potato behavior. I on the other paw have been busy calculating Lindsay's summer tuition charges. Silly girl wants to take four classes at once. And when will you have time for me!?! Hmph. Speaking of Lindsay, today she gave me a bath in THE WASHING MACHINE. Some people give their loved ones baths in a tub, she shoves me in a machine and walks away for thirty minutes. All right, to be quite honest, the ride in the dryer was rather fun. (Think of it as a roller coaster that makes you nice and sleepy afterwards, instead of nice and queasy.) Anywho, I need to get back to work.

Bjorn to be wild

2006-04-09T06:04:56Z

Today Lindsay and Mike had the audacity to go to the beach and leave me here all by my lonesome self. I wanted to come too, but Lindsay said I'd probably eat the seals and get sand in rather furry places. Not fair. There is absolutely no proof that I'd go after the seals. Furthermore, I'd like to take the opportunity to say that I had nothing to do with the Long Beach Aquarium seal disappearance that occurred three months ago. For their actions I'm going to put herring in their peanut butter tomorrow. (I've formed a rather good rapport with the owners of the Orthodox Jew market down the street.)

-Bjorn

P.S. Photo will be forthcoming.